Flying economy class for eight hours is hard to bear even if the flight goes smoothly.
So, when frequent flyer JT Genter took to X to reveal that for the duration of a KLM flight from Amsterdam to Toronto with his wife, the passenger behind him constantly grabbed his seat and yanked it, commenters were quick to sympathize.
His post, which has been viewed 226,000 times, kick-started an internet debate, with a back-and-forth taking place about how these types of situations should be handled. To settle the argument, we asked two etiquette experts and a flight attendant for their take on resolving seat-grabbing annoyances.
But first, Genter’s account of what took place:
The travel blogger, who’s from Texas and runs travel tips site AwardWallet, told The Independent that, at first, he thought the passenger might have been holding on to his seat because he’s a nervous flyer, or needed support to stand.
“I was thinking, ‘How is he doing this so much?’ Maybe he’s a nervous flyer or needs the seat to help with getting up,” Genter said. “But then I noticed he wasn’t getting up every time he grabbed my seat. He would sometimes just reach up and grab my seat, pull it back as if he was getting up, but then didn’t get up.
“After a while, I thought, ‘OK, this is getting old.’ At first, I made some passive-aggressive comments to my wife, Katie, about ‘how people don’t realize when they’re annoying someone,’ but he didn’t pick up any of the clues.
“I started turning around and looking behind to catch his spouse’s eye. Finally, pretty far into the flight, I said to him, ‘Dude, stop pulling my seat.’ He replied, ‘Oh, I’m doing it when I’m getting up.’
“I said, ‘No, you’re not. You’re doing it a lot more often than that. Please stop.’
“He was holding on the whole time and really pulling back on it — it was absurd.”
In the end, Genter flagged the passenger’s behavior to the flight attendants, but they were reluctant to intervene. Their justification for not getting involved was that the flight was coming to an end, the travel blogger revealed.
After landing, Genter confronted the seat-grabber again. Once more, he denied he had done anything wrong and offered nothing by way of an apology.
On X, one commenter suggested turning around and saying: “What the f*** is going on here?” with Genter replying that this strategy might just escalate the situation into a diversion for the plane.
Another declared that “KLM absolutely should have stepped in.”
So, what do the experts say is the right way to handle it?
According to etiquette expert Diane Gottsman, founder of the Protocol School of Texas, a polite request to stop in a “friendly and respectful tone” is the right response. It is something that Richie Frieman, author of Reply All… And Other Ways to Tank Your Career, agrees with.
He told The Independent that “when it comes to proper manners, it does not mean you get to sit back quietly, while someone is bothering you.”
He continued: “Where a fellow passenger is being a constant nuisance, who are they to feel more comfortable than you, due to their rude ways? You paid for the same ticket and are eating the same stale pretzels together. You are just as ‘important’ as they are in the big picture.”
To put a stop to annoying behavior from a fellow passenger, Frieman recommends gradually escalating your response.
He explained: “When you find yourself in a situation where the person behind you is pulling on your seat like a bull rider trying to hang on before getting bucked off, you must grab the issue by the horns.
“With that, you don’t want to be aggressive. So, I recommend a three-strikes approach to this rude passenger. And yes, they are rude.
“The first time they do this, you turn around and just make eye contact with a smile. Your smile should be sincere and say, ‘I’m sure that was an accident.’ Strike one.
“Now, if they do it again and do not say anything apologetic, you again turn around and give them a quick nod to see if they’re okay. Again, maybe it was another mistake… maybe.
“For example, play it casual and cool, but with a stern voice. Say something like, ‘Are you good back there? Do you need something?’ That is strike two.
“With the triple offender, simply turn back – without an aggressive tone – and ask them to stop in a stern voice. State your case, make your claim, and don’t wait for their approval. For example, try something like, ‘Excuse me, but this is the third time you’ve grabbed my seat, and we have a long flight here, so I’m trying to relax. Can you please be more careful? If you need to get up, and pulling on the seat is the only way you can do it, just tap me on the shoulder, so I know.’”
“With this method, you are giving them chances to see their behavior and recognize proper change. However, you are also not a welcome mat to be walked on by a complete stranger.”
Flight attendant Sherry, 52, from Boston, who runs the AtlasandWild.com travel site, not only echoed the strategy recommended by our etiquette gurus, but added that it’s definitely an issue that should be flagged to the crew.
She told The Independent: “If a passenger came to me in the galley, complaining of another passenger behind them disturbing their flight, either by pushing, pulling or kicking their seat, or getting in their space, I would first suggest that they bluntly ask the person to stop. The passenger may not realize they are disturbing someone, and may be embarrassed by being asked to stop.
“I have no problem addressing situations like this, but not all flight attendants are eager to get into a confrontation — so it can depend on who you ask.
“I would tell the offender that there have been complaints from another passenger that they are bothering them, ask them if they are aware they are bothering them.
“I would list ‘how’ they are bothering them, and explain personal space on an airplane.
“If the passenger says he or she needs support to stand up, I’d suggest that there is an armrest, instead, to use as a boost. It’s possible they have a medical condition they aren’t explaining. I would handle this with care.”
She added: “If the problem were to escalate between passengers, I would look for another seat for the offender to move to. If no seat is available, unfortunately, there is not much we can do from there, except explain to the offender that he/she is interfering with crew instruction, which is a federal offense in the U.S.
“Should it escalate into something besides annoyance, the final step would be to notify the captain and he/she would make a final call on what to do.”
KLM did not respond to a request for comment.
